It’s been a while since I posted.. Lets see..I am heading back to work with a new firm…Its downtown so I will be parking a couple blocks from work and will be walking that everyday. Hey, ever little bit helps. :) I had written myself a goal list for the next 10 months, and have began chopping away at it. I registered as a bone marrow donor with “be the match” and have started volunteering at the animal shelter. I have been eating well, no binging and purging and continuing counseling on a regular basis. For the first time in a long time; life is good :)

Well when it rains it pours…. I was so positive and looking forward to making some changes over the next 10 months… and wham! now I lose my job.. I have worked for this firm for 3 years, and now they start lay-off’s. I have never lost a job before.. Even though they said it has nothing to do with my work, that I’m great, I just make too much money… too much money? are you kidding me?? My biggest fear in life is failure…and it seems there has been so much of that in the last couple years.  Either way, I can’t let this get to me… I’m wrapping some things up this week around the house and hitting my goal list first thing monday morning.

Just Ranting..

Why is it, when one thing may start to go the right direction another falls apart. I always manage to be treading water, barely keeping my head above it, yet never moving forward. The person you marry is supposed to build you up, support you and love you…instead, in my life its the opposite..when I need love, support etc.. or a bad situation happens, it’s used as a grenade against me in an argument. A new way to hurt me, a new way to confirm the claim that I am nothing. The light is coming; couple more weeks until I have time to myself, to undo the damage, find my self worth and choose a better life for myself. It’s time I stop being taken for granted..I can do this…

I guess I’m I have no idea how to use this site properly. There are so many things I want to do but don’t know how. Does anyone know where I can learn how to use Tumblr? lol A website perhaps?

Day 2 of the Dare

DAY 2: Love is kind
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:32
Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. One is preventive, the other proactive. These two sides of love are the cornerstones on which many of the other attributes we will discuss are built.
Love makes you kind. And kindness makes you likeable. When you’re kind, people want to be around you. They see you as being good to them and good for them.
The Bible keys in on the importance of kindness: “Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man” (Proverbs 3:3–4). Kind people simply find favor wherever they go. Even at home. But “kindness” can feel a little generic when you try defining it, much less living it. So let’s break kindness down into four basic core ingredients:
Gentleness. When you’re operating from kindness, you’re careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh. You’re sensitive. Tender. Even if you need to say hard things, you’ll bend over backwards to make your rebuke or challenge as easy to hear as possible. You speak the truth in love.
Helpfulness. Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment. If it’s housework, you get busy. A listening ear? You give it. Kindness graces a wife with the ability to serve her husband without worrying about her rights. Kindness makes a husband curious to discover what his wife needs, then motivates him to be the one who steps up and ensures those needs are met—even if his are put on hold.
Willingness. Kindness inspires you to be agreeable. Instead of being obstinate, reluctant, or stubborn, you cooperate, you stay flexible. Rather than complaining and making excuses, you look for reasons to compromise and accommodate. A kind husband ends thousands of potential arguments by his willingness to listen first rather than demand his way.
Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn’t sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don’t require the other to get his or her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First.
Jesus creatively described the kindness of love in His parable of the Good Samaritan, found in the Bible—Luke, chapter 10. A Jewish man attacked by robbers is left for dead on a remote road. Two religious leaders, respected among their people, walk by without choosing to stop. Too busy. Too important. Too fond of clean hands. But a common man of another race—the hated Samaritans, whose dislike for the Jews was both bitter and mutual—sees this stranger in need and is moved with compassion. Crossing all cultural boundaries and risking ridicule, he stops to help the man. Bandaging his wounds and putting him on his own donkey, he carries him to safety and pays all his medical expenses out of his own pocket.
Where years of racism had caused strife and division, one act of kindness brought two enemies together. Gently. Helpfully. Willingly. Taking the initiative, this man demonstrated true kindness in every way.
Wasn’t kindness one of the key things that drew you and your spouse together in the first place? When you married, weren’t you expecting to enjoy his or her kindness for the rest of your life? Didn’t your mate feel the same way about you? Even though the years can take the edge off that desire, your enjoyment in marriage is still linked to the daily level of kindness expressed.
The Bible describes a woman whose husband and children bless and praise her. Among her noble attributes are these: “She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Proverbs 31:26). How about you? How would your husband or wife describe you on the kindness meter? How harsh are you? How gentle and helpful? Do you wait to be asked, or do you take the initiative to help? Don’t wait for your spouse to be kind first.
It is difficult to demonstrate love when you feel little to no motivation. But love in its truest sense is not based on feelings. Rather, love determines to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward. You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness.
The Dare:
In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture
as an act of kindness. 

Well Day one of the book didn’t go to well… He decided to be extra cruel yesterday, and it was hard for me not to say anything negative back to him in the middle of hearing how stupid or worthless I am… This book is definitely going to teach me self control and patience.. I will learn something from this….

Starting one of my goals today… The Love Dare

Day 1. Love is patient
Love works. It is life’s most powerful motivator and has far greater depth and meaning than most people realize. It always does what is best for others and can empower us to face the greatest of problems. We are born with a lifelong thirst for love. Our hearts desperately need it like our lungs need oxygen. Love changes our motivation for living. Relationships become meaningful with it. No marriage is successful without it.
Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes. And that’s where your dare will begin. With patience.
Love will inspire you to become a patient person. When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger. You choose to have a long fuse instead of a quick temper. Rather than being restless and demanding, love helps you settle down and begin extending mercy to those around you. Patience brings an internal calm during an external storm.
No one likes to be around an impatient person. It causes you to overreact in angry, foolish, and regrettable ways. The irony of anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of its own. Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually generates additional problems. But patience stops problems in their tracks. More than biting your lip, more than clapping a hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath. It clears the air. It stops foolishness from whipping its scorpion tail all over the room. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil.
If your spouse offends you, do you quickly retaliate, or do you stay under control? Do you find that anger is your emotional default when treated unfairly? If so, you are spreading poison rather than medicine.
Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don’t get what you want and you start heating up inside. It is often an emotional reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives.
Patience, however, makes us wise. It doesn’t rush to judgment but listens to what the other person is saying. Patience stands in the doorway where anger is clawing to burst in, but waits to see the whole picture before passing judgment. The Bible says, “He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly” (Proverbs 14:29).
As sure as a lack of patience will turn your home into a war zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet. “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute” (Proverbs 15:18). Statements like these from the Bible book of Proverbs are clear principles with timeless relevance. Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy.
Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it. It gives you the ability to hold on during the tough times in your relationship rather than bailing out under the pressure.
But can your spouse count on having a patient wife or husband to deal with? Can she know that locking her keys in the car will be met by your understanding rather than a demeaning lecture that makes her feel like a child? Can he know that cheering during the last seconds of a football game won’t invite a loud-mouthed laundry list of ways he should be spending his time? It turns out that few people are as hard to live with as an impatient person.
What would the tone and volume of your home be like if you tried this biblical approach: “See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).
Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally. But wise men and women will pursue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationships. That’s a good starting point to demonstrate true love.
This Love Dare journey is a process, and the first thing you must resolve to possess is patience. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. But it’s a race worth running. (Kendrick, 2009)
The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It’s better to hold your tongue than to say something you’ll regret. (Kendrick, 2009)
This shouldn’t be too difficult. I’m usually pretty good about watching how I speak to people. It will get more difficult as my husband starts to be little me or call me names, but it’s a simple task, and I will learn and grow from this… so here goes day 1! 

I have been thinking about the goals I am going to set for myself for the next 9 months. Chances are with all the stress in my household it won’t really start for about another month. My hubby is leaving for work for about 10 months soon. My main goal is to be in the best physical, emotional and mental shape I have ever been in by the time he returns. Upon his return I will have some difficult decisions to make; I pray for him and for us that a miracle will happen and he gets the help he needs, but I don’t think its going to happen. I want to myself to be well enough to do what is best for me upon his return. My goals are:
1. To complete the 40 days of the book the love dare- I am going to challenge myself with this book so that I can grow as a person, and help renew my faith in god. I know I am going to need it. It may not save my marriage, but I know it will help me grow as a person. I plan to start this immediately. I will update my progress daily; so that I can make my way through it without giving up.
2. To start going back to church every Sunday.
3. I’m going to complete the book “the Magic”- I will list 10 things everyday that I am grateful for and document two things that are good about me. I want to undo the things that have been imprinted in my mind over the last 3 years, and eventually, hopefully I will believe it.
4. I recently read the book “Love isn’t supposed to hurt” It opened my eyes; letting me know other women have gone through what I have. The book, I swear was written for was my life on a regular basis.. I swear the author was in my mind. Anyway, its about how she overcame an emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive marriage; How through faith and support she made the decision to have a new better life. The book entails several exercises that I will complete.
5. I will continue counseling for my marital issues, self-esteem issues and food issues.
6. My overall weight loss goal is to lose 50 pounds by the end of May 2013.
7. I want to complete the 30 day shred by Julian Michaels.
8. After completing those 30 days I will complete the 60 day insanity workouts.
9. After I complete those 60 days I will complete the 90 day P90X.
10. I will continue to work on running through all of this; I want to be able to run 6 miles without issue bye the end of May.
11. I will help my dog lose the 10 pounds he has gained in the last 3 years so that I can hopefully have him for at least another 5.. he has been my rock in all of this mess. The face that is happy to see me everyday… and comforts every tear I cry.. Lord knows I will need him when I make the largest life changing decisions I have ever made next year.
12. One of my most important goals is to do something completely selfless.. I am going to register as a bone marrow Donor. Hopefully I can help save a life :)
13. Run a 5K.
I’m going to try to update my progress, trials and tribulations throughout everyday of this journey; I need to make a better decision for my life. I deserve more and want more. When I reach my 50 pound goal.. I’m going home, and wearing a bikini to the beach! :)

(Source: GOALS)